The Faces of Rough 'N' Rowdy 7: An In-Depth Analysis
Who wants more Rough and fucking Rowdy promo?! No? Then promptly exit out of this…but still, (please) consider reading my fighter profiles and breakdowns…or at least a couple of them first. I just got done watching all the hype videos, and I sincerely think we’re all in for some doozies tomorrow. No sarcasm: there are some likeable underdogs, hateable douches, seemingly even matchups, and great storylines.
These fights, combined with the commentary, will be more entertaining than most professional sports events. No hyperbole. Plus, it will be pure comedy from start to finish. And if you don’t like humor or entertainment, then you should at least consider supporting Shaun (or Marty Mush/Matthew Brown). Also, I’ll be picking a few “upsets” and welcoming anyone who wants to throw some money down to DM me on Twitter.
*Percent favorited (in unbiased Twitter poll) in parentheses
1. ZEUS (36%) VS. THE TWO PUMP CHUMP (64%)
Craig “Zeus” O’Neill (36%)
Most potent diss: [lightly punches dumpster] “That’s gonna be your face on Super Bowl weekend, bitch.”
Advantages: Good arm strength, exceptional leadership skills, outstanding moral values, built-up testosterone (virgin)
Disadvantages: Inconsistent accuracy, struggles reading defenses (especially in the NFL)
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Mitchell “The Two Pump Chump” Siccon (64%)
Most potent diss: “You ain’t gettin’ by me.”
Advantages: Went to jail for a few months (for fighting), three battery counts, self-proclaimed undefeated street fighter (15–0)
Disadvantages: CTE, poor hand-eye coordination, drowsiness
Are biceps an advantage in boxing? What about jail time? I’m guessing “no” to both, but either way, this fight will generate enough electricity to power a West African village.
Why you should watch: The chance to see Ex-Con McGregor beat the shit out of Gym TeBro and make him cry.
2. HOT DICK DANNY (49%) VS. THE PRIDE OF PICKENS (51%)
Ethan “Hot Dick Danny” McCallister (49%)
“Those fuckin’ fake ass overalls, they’re gonna drop to the ground like your pant- like your mama’s panties.”
Most potent diss: “What’s that bitch I saw on Instagram, CT Walker? The one that’s gotta about five hairs on his chest that ain’t never ate a hot sauce.”
Advantages: Slightly less body fat/more muscle mass
Disadvantages: Punchlines
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CT “The Pride of Pickens” Walker (51%)
“I’m sick of all these city boys and they damn slacks; preppy ass shirt.”
Most potent diss: “These damn cover-alls holdin’ some big fuckin’ balls. I’m ready to whoop some city boy’s ass.”
Advantages: Ready to whoop some city boy’s ass
Disadvantages: Opponent is from rural White County (largest city is a town with 3,000 people)
The ‘Pride of Pickens’ hails from a county that has more people (29,431) than the ‘City Boy’s’ home county (27,411), but I love the Country Boy vs. City Boy angle, so I’m just gonna roll with it. Hot Dick Danny has the physique of an All District football player who almost went D1. I fully believe that he fucks a lot too, which isn’t necessarily a boxing advantage but an observation. But PoP is almost certainly meaner and more raw. Guaranteed excitement.
3. LUMBERJACKED (59%) VS. SUPER THOR (41%)
Zach “Lumberjacked” Patton (59%)
“I own multiple world records, national records”
Most potent diss: “You reach into the sky for your toy hammer, well I’m gonna hit you with that real fucking hammer, b***h”
Advantages: Owns multiple world records and coincidentally, also national records; Heisman-winning training partner
Disadvantages: Oily skin, erratic aggression, irritability, fertility issues
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Daniel “Super Thor” Hampton (41%)
Most potent diss: “I’m ready to send people to uh…Valhalla, smash people, knock people out, here to bring the wuh- dubya home for Team Furda.”
Advantages: Known for knocking people out; known to be dangerous; costume play
Disadvantages: High functioning schizophrenia
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One thing’s for certain: when these two gladiators step out of the Anabolic Time Chamber and get into the ring, PANDEMONIUM will inevitably ensue.
4. THE BERLIN BANGER VS. THE TWO INCH PUNISHER
Michael “The Berlin Banger” Kramer
Most potent diss: “When it comes to February 1st at the Roxy [pause] Barstool Sports. Rough ‘N’ Rowdy.”
Advantages: Saliva emission
Disadvantages: Excessive hunger, fatigue, irregular heartbeat
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Chase “The Two Inch Punisher” Haroff
Most potent diss: “You need to work on your pussy eating skills.”
Advantages: Opponent also has no discernible advantages
Disadvantages: Misshapen skull, weak immune system, poor motor skills, impaired spatial awareness
Remember the kids from elementary/middle school who would eat disgusting food combinations (e.g. mashed potatoes and ketchup with a splash of chocolate milk) at lunch for either $1—or just to earn ironic bragging rights with their peers? (was this a phenomenon that was regionally specific to WV/the Ohio Valley?) Well, these two guys are those kids a decade later. And if you know anything about this archetype, then you know that they’re loose cannons.
Why you should watch: When two utterly inexperienced fighters with equal skillsets, or lack thereof, engage in fisticuffs, the result is automatic comedy.
5. THE PINK PANTS PROFESSOR (39%) VS. POPEYE (61%)
Seth “The Pink Pants Professor” (39%)
Most potent diss: [mocking opponent] I drink beers, I do alcohol, I do tobacco, I’m the coolest dgadgadga…you wanna do alcohol and tobacco, buddy? Fine, let’s do it.
Advantages: Stronger core, physics expertise, anatomy knowledge
Disadvantages: Sheer lack of athletic ability
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Popeye (61%)
Most potent diss: “Let’s see y’all pussies try this [cracks and eats egg].”
Advantages: Has consumed a vegetable at least once in the past year; roughest son of a bitch in the Tri County
Disadvantages: Migraines, vision disturbances, erectile dysfunction
*UPSET ALERT* I’m putting money on Pink Pants. I have Venmo/PayPal.
6. SPICEY BOY (39%) VS. THE OVARIAN BARBARIAN (61%)
Joshua “Spicey Boy” Robinson (39%)
Most potent diss: “I used to be fat as fuck … and get my ass beat a lot, but now that I’m in shape [punches self in the face] I ain’t afraid to take a fuckin’ hit.”
Advantages: Used to get his ass beat a lot
Disadvantages: Used to get his ass beat a lot
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Chris “The Ovarian Barbarian” Hampton (61%)
Most potent diss: I’ll fight whatever liberal, snowball, snowflake pussy, whatever, inbred, Georgian, whatever you gotta offer.
Advantages: Is not afraid to fight the following: liberal, liberal, liberal, inbred, inbred.
Disadvantages: Legally blind
*UPSET ALERT* I’m putting money on Spicey Boy.
7. THE AZTEC WARRIOR (19%) VS. STONE COLD (81%)
Max “The Aztec Warrior” Malo (19%)
“I’m gonna eat you up like I do my tacos…CHAZOWWW…and then when I’m done with that, we’ll eat some enchiladas and then I’m gonna eat YOUR ass.”
Most potent diss: “The greatest fighters who ever lived were Mexicans…Julio César Chávez, Canelo Álvarez.”
Advantages: The same ethnicity as great boxers.
Disadvantages: Possesses none of the skills of any great Mexican boxers.
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Stone Cold (81%)
You’re talkin’ about the great Mexican fighters…dude you’re like 250 pounds of fat; those guys were athletes.
Most potent diss: “You can call me Hernan Cortes, ’cause I’m gonna conquer you [pauses to think] just like he did.”
Advantages: Stronger
Disadvantages: Fatter
*UPSET ALERT* I’m putting money on The Aztec Warrior. Bench press dudes are ATROCIOUS at fighting.
8. THE BLIZZARD (39%) VS. BOCEPHUS (61%)
Zach “The Blizzard” Clay (39%)
Most potent diss: “People say I’m like a descendent of Karl Marx / When I’m done with you, I’m going to be leaving a car-load of marks on your body.”
Advantages: Philosophy
Disadvantages: Lack of any of the predominant qualities that boxers typically possess.
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Ray “Bocephus” Aragon (61%)
Advantages: Bull rider, full-time cowboy
Disadvantages: Full-time cowboy
Most potent diss: “Ole Snowflake [unintelligible] you just gotta take your tree-huggin’ ass with all your tree-huggin ass friends outta here.”
People on the far ends of multiple spectrums have a lot at stake with this “Super Soy Boy Lib Cuck vs. Deep South MAGA Man” matchup. I’m not sure which political affiliation the Barstool fanbase tends to lead toward, but I’m confident each of these fighters will have about an equal percentage of people rooting for them.
9. MARTY MUSH (54%) VS. MATT BROWN (46%)
Martin “Marty Mush” Mushalko (54%)
Most potent diss: “I’m gonna hit you into the dumpster, you gamblin’ fuckin’ loser.”
Advantages: More popular, more followers, taller
Disadvantages: Inability to speak or understand language, inability to create new memories
Matt “Matt Brown” Brown (46%)
Most potent diss: “Back out, you are fucked.”
Advantages: Has been in fights before (allegedly)
Disadvantages: Juul habit, limited experience with fans/crowds
No bullshit, the tension between these two is real. When I first got to Barstool in November, I started hearing the reciprocated shit talk from both parties, and suggested that they “fight about it.” Well here we are.
10. $20 CHEF (77%) VS. THE HACK (23%)
Shaun “$20 Chef” Latham (77%)
Most potent diss: “You’re a soft, fat, chicken nugget-lookin motherfucker, okay?”
Advantages: More experience, far better training regimen
Disadvantages: 40 years old
Matthew “Barstool Idol Hack” Light (23%)
Most potent diss: “In Pittsburgh, we handle this with our fuckin’ fist.”
Advantages: More spry, youthful joints
Disadvantages: Angina, reduced blood flow through arteries, former victim of peripheral artery disease
Shaun is undoubtedly the overwhelming favorite here, and for good reason. He’s been in the ring before; he’s been training hard for weeks now; and from what I’ve seen and heard, he’s taking this very seriously. Matt Light is the physical embodiment of a leftover Primanti Brother’s sandwich with extra ketchup and fries. Pittsburgh is a hotbed for amateur wrestling and [redacted] strength though, so I wouldn’t be surprised if he has some inherent combat skills.
Why you should watch: Seeing Chef beat the shit out of this lad would be insanely satisfying, and seeing him lose would be CHAOTIC. Win-win for entertainment purposes.